Channeling carrie bradshaw on this one
Anybody see Zach Braff’s movie, “The Last Kiss”? My friend Judy and I watched it the other night, and it spurred a great conversation about the nature of romantic relationships for people our age.
First, I recommend the film. It’s a movie about relationships that doesn't go the cheap romantic comedy route (or the teeth-gnashing Othello route). It's intelligent. But also, it’s about men, written from a man’s point of view, which is really refreshing.
Anyway, a lot of my friends (myself included) seem to be wrestling with this these days: What’s it look like when we stop dating just for fun and start getting… serious?
Casual dating and flings still sound good in theory. God, it was so much fun in college. But really, whatever used to make it worthwhile just doesn’t cut it anymore.
Is partnership not fun? This baffles me. There’s this perception that dating is about laughing, talking, play, and hot sex… and serious relationships are about paying bills together and making babies. (?!?) Call me crazy, but I’d like a serious relationship to be all of the good stuff (in fact, more of the good stuff!).
I think I could get married any time. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not ready for kids, or to buy a house. I’m not ready to stop traveling, or moving, or changing jobs, or being in school or spending money a bit selfishly… But I do think I could get married. All this adventure would be more fun with somebody I’m crazy about. Here’s what I could go for: A badass relationship now, with option to add the kids and the mortgage when I’m good and ready.
The tough part? Since going with Mr. Right Now just doesn’t hold the same appeal, I’m spending a lot of time being single holding out for someone who really rings my bell. And the older I get, the more quickly I can discern whether I’m really compatible with someone, so the Mr. Maybe pool just keeps thinning. It’s hard not to get frustrated with this scenario.
But in the end, I consider the alternatives: Married too young and unhappy… Still clutching to the club scene and the little black book… Not learning from the past and dating the same wrong guy, over and over…? No sir. I’m exactly where I should be.
posted by Sarah @ 2:03 AM
14 comments
14 Comments:
Sarah,
I cannot express how glad I was to read this post. This has been my feeling for the past couple of years - and you put it so eloquently. So perfectly. Thanks for affirming what I thought to be true.
Hope you are well!
Yeah, Sarah, I hear ya, kid.
I think you're outlook sounds healthy and good, so if you behave in accordance with what you'd like, you're in good shape.
But then, I'm 32 and have never been married, so consider the source. :)
It's funny. Life and time keep going (if you're lucky).
I have friends who are divorced and remarried already (literally half of those guys who you know that are married will be back into the dating pool anyway). I have friends who are in wonderful, committed relationships who are 26. I have friends who are dating and in their early 40's. That reminds me of a conversation that I had with my Mom a few months ago before a date with someone who was "older":
Me: Yeah, I have a date tonight. This girl I met in San Diego is taking me out.
Mom: Is that "Beth?"
Me: Yeah. It turns out she's 39.
Mom: WHAT??!?--er, I mean, "oh." What about Ali?
Me: The 26 year old? I'm seeing her on Saturday.
Mom: She sound nice.
"kid"?
I'll assume you simply mean that affectionately, Mike, since I'm 28. LOL!
Funny (ironic, mostly) addendum: After all of my pontificating about serious relationships, what did I do last night? Made out with a stranger at a bar. (a bit of a kid himself at 24) lmao.
Believe me, nothing about tacky, amateurish, beer-induced tongue jamming has me singing a different tune about what I'm looking for... A girl's simply inclined to entertain herself once in a while. :)
"A girl's simply inclined to entertain herself once in a while." I do believe men need some entertainmant now and again as well. Even at 24, I know I am such a youngster, I do very much understand your point. I am more hard pressed to let go of the "grass is always greener" theory. When does one stop looking for "better" even when one is in a relationship? I am hard pressed to really know when I am at a point where I know this person is "it".
Owen,
I know this sound cliche, but I really think "you just know." The happiest and healthiest couples I know of are together because they simply have to be and they are best friends. They couldn't see it any other way.
I think this presupposes you are an emotionally healthy person...hmmm.
And Sarah, of course we all support the Cyndi Lauper Girls-Have-Fun ethic.
Mike
Knowing when to say, "Ok, here he/she is," does seem to be the big challenge. Although, I think it is coupled with, "Ok, I am ready now." Wrong person, right time OR right person, wrong time are equally bad, I think.
Then again, what in the name of all that is sacred and good do I know about this?!
And Sarah, go get yours. "I'm so drunk right now," Sarah says in that sorority girl voice. Instantly, 12 dudes are suddenly more alert than they have ever been in their entire life, like a naval destroyer passing over a very loud submarine. Weee oooo (that is supposed to be the typed out version of the naval sirens I hear in movies).
Sarah,
One more thought about your original post:
I really do think that a good, *exclusive* relationship is about "laughing, talking, play, and hot sex..." I think that marriage is about paying bills together and making babies. I think that it is a RARE thing to find someone that you want to make that gear shift with, and that both parties are in the right time and place for it.
Clearly, the quality and caliber of a relationship is mutually exclusive of the presence of a marriage license. For happy, healthy couples, marriage might be just a formality! So, is getting married mostly a logistical thing-- meant to ease and encourage bill-paying and baby-making?
It's not unreasonable, but I think it misses the point. (there's that nuance thing again!) Getting married is about making someone your FAMILY. And yeah, family comes with a lot of boring and thorny shit. BUT, your spouse is the ONE family member in your whole life that you get to choose for yourself! Take your coolest, most fun, most trustworthy and respected friend, and author with them whatever the hell kind of family you want to be together. Awesome.
And so what I don't like is when people act like getting married is this implicit participation in something conventional. Talk about lack of imagination! If your marriage goes that way, you only did it to yourself.
I wish that more people had that view about marriage. I confess that I have become somewhat cynical about marriage because of what I feel about the way marriage gets twisted away from that core idea.
The motives often seem to be "I want babies now," or "I'm tired of being alone," or the tragically common "we've been together for so long/I don't want to break up."
And the weekend itself: often a less-than-genuine deferral to religious dogma, social pressures, family pressures, sweet-sixteen-esque bridal expectations.
Your ideal is also mine--I'd like a marriage to be a celebration of the beginning of a new family. I just don't see too much of that.
One thing that might be difficult is if you don't want the marriage to evolve into something conventional, but your partner does. If your marriage goes that way, you might have not done it to yourself. (Or, you did when you married that person. I know, I'm being very Debbie Downer).
Poll: anyone else from a divorced family?
I take it by the silence that the answer is "no."
There are some blog viewers who are from divorced families. Here, at WTHDIK, we support a diverse viewing audience.
"Marwidge. Marwidge, is what bwings us togeva today. Marwidge. That bwessed awangement..." and I could go on!
Without diving too deeply into the nuances, I think things will just fall into place with some work when it is time, not unlike most of my major life decisions. No matter how hard you try, it is a life path you can't truly control. The people who try to control or force this really get into big trouble. And when marriage (or marwidge) is concerned, it will feel like part of the natural progression, I hope.
Anyway, to bring this full circle, I agree with Mike's early post. "You will just know." You cliche bastid!
Sorry, Mike, meant to jump in sooner than this. My parents are divorced too-- 20 years now.
Sure makes you think long and hard about what you want and how not to get divorced, doesn't it? It's not surprising that most of us either turn out to be particularly idealistic or skeptical about it. Debbie Downer? Maybe, but everything you said is spot on!
Anyway, it's nice to hear we're on the same page. I hope I'm not over-thinking all of this-- I'm just aiming for *thoughtful*.
Sarah, you are hoping for not over-thinking? Who would you be if you didn't over think? :)
alright, alright. you be quiet.
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