The Wrong Blessing.
So at St. Paul's, I am a Eucharist minister (EM). For those non-Catholics out there, basically, an EM helps facilitate the distribution of communion as to keep the mass under an hour and fifteen minutes so people can get a good seat at Bob Evans or mow down as many elderly people in the parking lot as possible. In Euclid, Ohio, at St. Robert church, at the 9:30am mass, Fr. Weber always presided over the 25 minute miracle. I loved that mass! Big digression. Anyways, when a person (often a child) has not officially recieved his/her First Communion Sacrament or feels at the time not in the right state to accept Communion, he/she often asks for a blessing. There are many stock blessings. For example, "May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." That is one of MANY!
My problem is that I never grew attached to one. So every time one of these people approaches me at mass, I use a different blessing. Two Sundays ago, this cute, pious child comes up with his arms crossed against his chest. That is a sign that this child wants a blessing. I put my hand on his shoulder and, instead of saying something reverent and meaningful, I, as is my custom, spoke words clear off the top of my head. I said, "God bless you, kid." I almost fell down in laughter. Kid?! The best I could do was, "God bless you, kid?!" I have no business serving this community.
posted by Anthony @ 10:10 PM
12 comments
12 Comments:
If you had been that kid, I would have been emotionally scared for life...
Honestly, the more I think about this, the more I realize that this is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time.
Also, I think it's safe to rule out a career for you at Hallmark. ("Happy Anniversary, there, toots. Say your prayer.")
What do you mean? I think that was a great blessing. The church is a big place and has a lot of room for "spontaneous" responses. A few stodgy prelates might have a problem, but thank God, they are not the majority.
Now I am interested in what you would say on Ash Wednesday as you sign people's foreheads and remind them of their mortaliy....HHHMMM!
Aunt Mb
Suggestions:
"Not long now, suckers."
"This s**t's gonna rub off on your shirt."
"You've been praying, right?"
"From dust you come, and now you're just dirt."
What does "qualified" to administer blessings entail? Is there a correspondence course involved?
Further suggestions for unsettling Ash Wednesday blessings:
"Tick-tock, b*tches."
"I'd bless you, but it's not gonna help."
"I have milk in my refrigerator right now that A: will probably last longer that you, and B: has a better chance of making it to heaven."
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, better take it out and use it, or it's going to rust. That's a line from Highlander 2. Awful movie, don't you think? Peace be with you."
in answer to froonelli and mike...here's the "reader's digest" correspondence course.....
According to the Catholic Church, there are two kinds of blessings. Blessings attached to liturgical stuff are reserved to ordained ministers, I think the word is "Sacerdotal"...but don't quote me.
Secondly, common blessings we all can and should do anytime to raise our minds and hearts to God. The latter is example: someone sneezes, we say, "God Bless you."
The RC church recently says that no one should be giving blessings at the distribution of Communion, not even a priest. On the other hand, Canon Law (the book the big kahunas wrote to clarify ---yeah right!---all these little issues) says the pastor can do anything he wants in his own parish. That probably means even deputize folks to give blessings. Go figure...
So if Anthony is deputized by the pastor, then he can give this blessing.
I do wonder though, do the ministers at St. Paul's wear cowboy hats and badges? If so, I really have to visit this church! Yee-haw!
Aunt Mb
I don't know, Anthony. I tend to lean toward the genuineness of your blessing. I think that if more Catholic folk were willing to make their religion and beliefs their own, fewer of us would have left the RC church to begin with. As a mom, I would've been touched by your use of "kid" as other terms often come off as condescending to me. I'd rather my children be blessed by genuine people, such as yourself, that have some understanding and belief in what they say than by someone who could pontificate and oh so eloquently create some blessing that may (or may not) have any meaning outside of just being words spoken.
By the way, everyone that I've met from your family fits the bill of the types of RC believers that I love having as a part of my life. Your mom's undying faith and devotion to God are just a couple of the multitude of reasons that she has become one of my very best and most trusted friends! (Hopefully she doesn't forget all about me once her doctoral degree is complete! I know how you Ph.D. types can be! j/k)
PhD types are losers. And as for dear ole mom, I'm sure she'll stay grounded. She has a son like me to keep her in check. I'll point out whenever she's wrong... that usually works.
truly hilarious discussion. Particularly love the suggested blessings for Anthony to try... $10 says one of these slips out next Sunday!!
Ok - now I've wet myself laughing. This is SO like you when you were an altar boy. Like the time you and Greg Iacofano were nearly doubled over on the floor laughing because Fr. Knuff stood up, stretched out his arms, said "peace be with you!" and then let a loud one rip. I believe you actually had to leave the altar to compose yourself. Or when you and Greg (I see a pattern here) decided to spice up the service by clinking the cruets together before pouring the water and wine in the chalice.
I've now lost all bladder control.
my name is meghan hildebecht and i attended st.robert's in euclid and that story made me laugh so hard, goodluck in evrything you do greg, tell alan i said hello.
my name is meghan hildebecht and i attended st.robert's in euclid and that story made me laugh so hard, goodluck in evrything you do greg, tell alan i said hello.
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